Future Still Unclear

When Denny Hamlin crashed in Fontana, California, my heart literally shattered into pieces.  I yelled "NO" repeatedly and cried as if I'd just lost a member of my family.  I was deeply effected by his injury and have struggled to write a fitting blog post to express how I feel. 

I've experienced a wide range of emotions that have been beyond difficult to convey.  I was angry with Joey Logano for his ignorant and callous comments following the on-track incident that left Denny Hamlin in a helicopter flying to the hospital.  I was angry that even after he realized Hamlin was injured so severely, he took no blame and showed no remorse.  And I must admit I take great joy in seeing him standing in the inspection line while the pre race activities were going on and being sent to the back of the field after having parts taken from his car.  Karma truly is a wonderful thing. 

But anger isn't the only emotion that has gripped me since that fateful day.  I've been worried sick for the welfare of my favorite driver.  It has been my worst nightmare to see him in a back brace with a broken back.  Knowing that such a successful driver is dropping in points is devastating.  Were he still in the car, he would no doubt be top 5 in the standings and possibly have a victory or two to his name.  His house should have one more Grandfather clock and a Richmond trophy in the trophy case.  And his charity race should have been won by Hamlin himself.

Seeing Denny on the pit box, giving advice to Brian Vickers and watching his car being driven by someone else is gutwrenching.  I never thought I'd see the day.  Denny looks better than I've ever seen him, he looks healthy and happy, and the sight of him in street clothes is certainly a refreshing vision on race day.  There are some up sides to his down time and his sweet baby girl is on the receiving end of lots of time with Daddy.  Certainly makes being hurt much less painful.  But Hamlin belongs in that race car, period.

Now the true consequences of taking a head on collision with a concrete wall, minus a SAFER barrier, are starting to become clearer. 

What did the doctors see that is keeping you out of this race?"They were -- during our call yesterday they were speaking as much Chinese as I could understand. I saw the scan and saw the healing that they were talking about. However, some kind of in-plate is not healing the way that they wanted it and that's what they wanted in order to clear me. Really, that was their determining factor and, obviously, my injury is very, very hard because there is no exact science to the risk. They don't -- no one knows what the risk will be if I race this week or if I race two weeks from now. Bone healing is completely subjective. It takes bone healing a year most times to be 100 percent, so how do you quantify how much more risk is there this week versus two weeks down the road or three weeks down the road or two months down the road, so that's the tough part of it -- everyone is erring on the cautious side because no one ultimately wants to be responsible and have their name on the line of clearing a driver and then he goes out and gets hurt."

Do you still feel like you can compete in a portion of the Talladega race?
"They all came to the conclusion they were happy with me starting Talladega and getting out when it's a safe time to get out. Ultimately, we even talked about doing that here at Richmond, but it's unfair to the team for me to get out and then go three or four laps down on pit road and really know that the team's not going to finish any better than 35th -- why would they even show up for that? So, I think it's better for them to at least have a chance to win with one full-time driver and we decided not to do that this weekend and we'll start our process at Talladega and then rescan again and try to go to Darlington."

Is there a possibility of surgery?
"We talked briefly about the injury that I deal with every day and that was not the main focus of our conversation, but I think that it is going to be a possibility in the off-season. If I get back to it in a timely fashion in the Cup Series this year then am still able to salvage some kind of season, then obviously it's not going to be an option until the off-season. So, either way, I'd like to get it fixed and get it over with."

At what point will you consider not returning this season?
"I think if this goes past Darlington then I don't know what the chances of us making the Chase are even if we were to race this weekend, race next weekend or the one after -- I don't know the chances. There's a lot of good teams that you have to beat to guarantee you're going to win the races. Obviously, if it goes past Darlington our chances are crushed even harder. Eventually you have to have a shut down point of not going out there and racing for nothing at a point. I think a recovery on the kind of surgery that I would like to have is about a month-and-a-half or so -- I could potentially come back maybe for the tail end of the year. It wouldn't be a season-ending -- I don't think anything would be season-ending I guess you could say. Eventually you have to know the point at which you're looking at improbabilities of making the Chase and just being smart about it. If everyone keeps getting these penalties, I'm going to be the points leader soon."

This is the point where racing next week isn't as important as racing ever again. And that is the most frightening thought of all.  I care deeply for the man in that #11 car, and the idea of a season without him is shattering.  But there is something more disconcerting.  The idea of someone else in that #11 car, permanently.  My prayer is that Denny will continue to heal and improve like he has in such a short time.  That if surgery is required, it will be the greatest success story ever and he will be relieved of all back pain forever.  And that I will see him win Championships and many more races.  That he will be better than ever and keep me glued to my TV and cheering for him week after week.

My two year old son is a huge fan of Denny Hamlin.  He is still two young to realize there are other drivers besides his favorite.  He yells "De" when he sees him and lately I've had to tell him "Denny isn't racing this week, remember he got hurt?" to which he asks "OK?".  It breaks my heart to have to tell him, no he isn't ok but he will be.  He hangs his little head, covers his face with his hands and starts to cry.  That tiny pouty lip and real tears break this Mom's heart.  I ask him, "Who's the greatest race car driver in the world?"   And without hesitation he screams "DE"! I agree son, I agree.

I hope that Aaron is graduating college when he watches Denny retire, after one of the greatest racing careers since Dale Earnhardt.  And I'm praying for the very best.  This entire ordeal has taught me that life is fragile, we are delicate, and nothing is worth our future.  Not a disagreement over how you were raced, not anger over 'being a bad teammate' or any other flimsy excuse Joey Logano used to convince himself his massive stupidity was justified.  Every inch of every racing surface at every race track should have a SAFER barrier.  The penalties should be more severe for intentionally wrecking another driver than they are for parts that don't conform to the rules in engines that team owners have no way of tampering with.  I think NASCAR has gotten it deadly wrong and I'm not willing to sacrifice my driver to prove this point. 

I'm beyond elated to see Denny Hamlin back in the FedEx Toyota at Talladega this weekend.  For a few laps or the entire race, I want to see him in his fire suit where he belongs.  Despite the fact that Dega is my least favorite track and one that terrifies me beyond words.  Because I miss him racing and know that not doing what he loves is killing him even more than it is me.  I pray that he continues to heal and takes the track by storm when he returns full time.  My wish is that this injury motiviates him to race his heart out and win every race he drives in.  Nothing silences the rivals like trips to Victory Lane.  What a celebration it will be when he drives into the winner's circle and shuts Joey Logano up for good. 

Joey, I believe you forget who took you under his wing, guided you and advised you.  Treated you like a little brother and celebrated all your successes.  I believe you forget that Denny Hamlin is a better race car driver than you will ever be, no matter what team you drive for and you couldn't hold his helmet, or outrace him for one lap let alone beat him for a win.  You sir, and I use that term as loosely as possible, let NNS success go to your head and your arrogant attitude will be your downfall.  I have reserved my front row seat to your demise and look forward to watching you crumble back into the dust you were before Joe Gibbs took a chance on you.  Be careful who you step on as you try to climb the ladder of success. They are the same faces you have to look into as you fall back down.